Smoke and mirrors

women.I can’t help but sometimes dislike that I have the ability to see the good in people, to look beyond actions, analyse, and create probabilities as to why they say and do things untoward.   Is it because I don’t want people to be bad? That the harsh reality of people’s selfish nature is simply too much for my good willed personality?  Sure I have a harsh side but I’ve never gone to great lengths to hurt someone.

Trust is such a precious gift so easily taken advantage of these days, as if its readily replaceable.  It takes but a moment to take and so much time to rekindle.  Or perhaps that’s why people break it to hurt others – they know how painful broken trust it, its gut wrenching.  It’s that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something goes seriously wrong.  In saying this its almost always done via text – its must be so easy not to say it to my face.

Indeed I have meet so many others from dating sites that are clearly so burnt and weathered from previous relationships that they are now made from porcelain.  So scared they are of shattering they develop massive offense and defense mechanisms that go of with the slightest breeze.  Have they ever wondered though that one person’s mistakes are not another’s?

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Love is a drug but the drug won’t take me higher

loveisadrugIt seems no matter how many times I get burnt, cry over a guy and swear I’ll never date again I always go back for more in the end.  Weather it takes 2 days or 2 months the internal drive for a relationship of some sort overrides my brain telling me to give it up.

I have some friends whom have been single for literally years and when I mentioned to them recently that I wanted to just ‘give up’ on dating, to my surprise they told me not to.  The response of “look at me, I’ve been single for years and it’s not good” made me think about weather it’s harder on your emotions to be alone or have someone and experience heart break.

Countless songs and sayings such as “It is better to have loved than not at all” come to mind but there are also songs such as “Owner of a Lonely Heart” that beg to differ.  The chorus preaching “Owner of a lonely heart, much better than an owner of a broken heart”, so who is right?

I’m sure you could argue both sides until blue in the face but the fact remains that for most people something inside us longs for attention, touch, kisses even love otherwise online dating sites wouldn’t exist.

From Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

Eyes wide open

playerI dislike getting played…A lot (I’m sure no one likes it), one reason of course is the other person isn’t honest about what they want.  The thing is when you first meet someone you tend to ignore some red flags that might pop up.  In my recent case the room could have been painted red and I wouldn’t have seen it.

Why was I ignoring the red flags?   Well it’s funny thing, it seems that where people work can have an effect on how much you trust them.   So when a policeman comes along I mistakenly pushed aside any warnings and hit the ground running.

So here is the play book, I fell for the “I want to be exclusive with you” scenario.  What that really meant was exclusive until I get what I want.  It really does open your eyes when you on the other side of emotional manipulation, people can actually talk their way into the bedroom.

So what hope is there for me if I can’t see the forest through the trees? A chain saw?

You don’t really know someone until you break up with them

I like to think I am a good judge of character, I’ll admit though when I like someone I do have my love goggles on and some things will slip through the cracks.  A complete flick to a different personality though is quite a shock in mid argument with a partner.

crazy-manFrom “I love you” to (and this is a true quote from my ex) “1 more thing b4 I go 4 good your a heartless bitch and I wish I had never met u I don’t love you at all I never did I hate u good riddance”.

So want to know what I did?  I said I wanted to think about things….4 hours later after no contact he dropped everything I ever gave him at my front door and sent me that text.

The day after text “I miss you”…oh ok so you’re crazy – how did I miss that?  How do people hide this so well in a relationship?  A little grey cloud comes along and BOOM crazy town!  So in light of this new experience I had recently, I do not want to date at all.  Which is a good thing I know since a break from it all is probably what I need right now – just a holiday from living in Crazy town.

Dating advice from books – take only what you need to survive

So after being in the dating game for a while and realising I had no idea what I was doing, I turned to a professional for advice.  This came in the form of a couple of different books.  Some advice was the same as my friends had given me “just stop looking, he will find you”.

To be honest I always secretly hated that advice especially hearing it over and over again.  So what I’m supposed to do, just sit around and wait for Mr Right to come my way?  It sounds powerless and like a whole lot of dependence on guys.
On one hand I’m reading “The Catch” written by Samantha Brett, which tells you to live your life and ignore guys (to the point where you don’t talk to them for a 30 day boot camp) then they will come flocking to you, all this after you have gone through all the boot camp instructions.

On the other hand I’m reading “This is how” by Augusten Burroughs, which talks about how you should go out and meet people (guys and girls) that are interesting and add value to your life.

I prefer the latter books advice; it’s based in reality and this century’s idea on meeting people.  The idea being you just go out and meet as many people as you can – not dates just interesting people to fill your life with.

Know your online dating market

Women using a lap top on the grassI can’t help but approach dating like a project at work and do a little research and prac on where I stand in the dating world.  It’s interesting because, I look younger than I am and I attract younger men because of this.  Then the younger guys freak out when I tell them I have kids – understandably I guess.

So after a few mistakes I started to realise I need to ignore the younger guys and go for someone the same age or older.  Despite people telling me that there are younger men who can handle my situation – I compare this to the existence of a unicorn.

Well wouldn’t you know it – people my age (lets say late 20’s early 30’s) are basically all married or single because they don’t want to settle down…great.  It almost feels like being at a ball and everyone else has partnered up and dancing and I’m left waiting on the side line for someone to get divorced.

So this means my market is now older men (which I like I have to say) – so early to late 30’s and preferably already has kids.  For me at the moment there is nothing scarier than the concept of having more kids – it terrifies me!!!!  I’m just trying to get a handle on the 2 I have now.

So older man, already has kids, looking for a relationship, has to be tall to match me, employed and not crazy would be nice, oh and staying in the country.   Oh it’s not easy dating!

What do you want from this?

Ok at risk of sounding like I am in high school…will you by my boyfriend?
Seriously when and how does one ask about moving from dating into boyfriend hood?  It’s awkward and you have to put yourself out there because you telling the person you want to Young couplebe exclusive.

Sometimes though it’s already implied in the other persons mind then you look like an idiot for asking or they thought that was so far off that you then look way to needy.  Either way it’s a risk to want to categorise your relationship status.

So is there a need to categorise?   I find this comes up a lot when my friends ask me about who I am seeing and if it’s a date or something more serious.  Which then makes me think about it and in true girl style – over analyse and in turn ask the guy “so…what’s happening?”

Stop over analysing boys I hear you say? Oh if only it could see a surgeon that would cut that part out of my brain.  Life would be much simpler – but in saying that isn’t it nice to know where you stand?   To me it also comes as a safety net so that I don’t feel like I’m the only one risking something.   I’m just reluctant to say “so where do you see this going?”.