Smoke and mirrors

women.I can’t help but sometimes dislike that I have the ability to see the good in people, to look beyond actions, analyse, and create probabilities as to why they say and do things untoward.   Is it because I don’t want people to be bad? That the harsh reality of people’s selfish nature is simply too much for my good willed personality?  Sure I have a harsh side but I’ve never gone to great lengths to hurt someone.

Trust is such a precious gift so easily taken advantage of these days, as if its readily replaceable.  It takes but a moment to take and so much time to rekindle.  Or perhaps that’s why people break it to hurt others – they know how painful broken trust it, its gut wrenching.  It’s that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something goes seriously wrong.  In saying this its almost always done via text – its must be so easy not to say it to my face.

Indeed I have meet so many others from dating sites that are clearly so burnt and weathered from previous relationships that they are now made from porcelain.  So scared they are of shattering they develop massive offense and defense mechanisms that go of with the slightest breeze.  Have they ever wondered though that one person’s mistakes are not another’s?

I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are…

cow-girlYou know what I’m talking about, you date someone, you end up doing things they want to do and spending time at their place.  At first its awesome and exciting, new…whatever and then you realise that they are avoiding coming to your place because you don’t have cable.

I’ll admit the fact that I got to watch Tosh.O every tight was almost worth not being in my own bed.  On the other hand guys who live on their own don’t really have the same house hold ways as women.  I always herd the saying “it needs a woman’s touch” but I had not come across an example where this was hideously needed.

So when I broke up with crazy evil ex and started spending time at my own place, I realised I missed it.  Also try this – try not wanting to impress the opposite sex – it means you get to wear what you want!

I don’t even want your attention

I find it oddly liberating that I don’t even want a guy to look at me right now.  My ex has burned me with harassing phone texts because we broke up and the fact that I didn’t see it coming bothers me so much that I want nothing to do with men.

angry-womenI’m almost at the point of thinking that most people are nuts and it’s only a hand full of people I know that are normal-ish.  Perhaps I am lucky in my life in that this is the first time I’ve come across this in relationships.  Either lucky or naive I guess – maybe even “wrapped in cotton wool”, so to speak from people’s crazy side.

That’s the thing about being married young and for 10 years; I didn’t experience much of relationships, just a boyfriend here and there.

Should I be grateful for this new experience? I’ve learnt a lot of course but I’m already cynical, skeptical and not trusting to a point, will this push me to a new level of “you can’t touch this”?

I still maintain my humor at the moment so I’m going to take that as a good sign.  For example: “Ha my ex called me “Jubba” lol nice reference to Star Wars dip shit, you couldn’t think of anything better?”….(also just so you know I’m not fat – I am AUS size 12) Boooyah!

Being burnt by facebook

The first guy I ever dated after my separation I fell very much in love with.  We were together for about 4 months and although it wasn’t without its bad moments, I really enjoyed being with him.  But as they say “every rose has its thorn” and this one came in the form of an ex F@#K buddy who was in love with him still.

Guy using an iphoneHe denies knowing this and when she came back from being overseas, she made a very big impact on our relationship.  So I try and do the right thing and I try not to be bothered about him seeing her still as long as he is honest about it – right?

Now this is where facebook comes in – bring friends with your boyfriend on facebook is almost like having an online nanny following him during the day – if he uses it all the time.  Especially if your then friends with his friends – the trail of “when and where” he is, can be addictive and bitterly truthful.  The problem with this is – everyone can see this when it goes badly.

So he tells me he is out with his guy friend – ok.  Then his guy friend tags him and is ex F@#K buddy at lunch.  So???? Did you forget to mention her being there?   Of course an argument happens and amongst other reasons we part ways.

So I wasn’t all that upset with him going out with that girl – it was finding out on facebook that killed it for me – finding out your boyfriend is lying to you via a status update bites the big one.

What do you want from this?

Ok at risk of sounding like I am in high school…will you by my boyfriend?
Seriously when and how does one ask about moving from dating into boyfriend hood?  It’s awkward and you have to put yourself out there because you telling the person you want to Young couplebe exclusive.

Sometimes though it’s already implied in the other persons mind then you look like an idiot for asking or they thought that was so far off that you then look way to needy.  Either way it’s a risk to want to categorise your relationship status.

So is there a need to categorise?   I find this comes up a lot when my friends ask me about who I am seeing and if it’s a date or something more serious.  Which then makes me think about it and in true girl style – over analyse and in turn ask the guy “so…what’s happening?”

Stop over analysing boys I hear you say? Oh if only it could see a surgeon that would cut that part out of my brain.  Life would be much simpler – but in saying that isn’t it nice to know where you stand?   To me it also comes as a safety net so that I don’t feel like I’m the only one risking something.   I’m just reluctant to say “so where do you see this going?”.