Smoke and mirrors

women.I can’t help but sometimes dislike that I have the ability to see the good in people, to look beyond actions, analyse, and create probabilities as to why they say and do things untoward.   Is it because I don’t want people to be bad? That the harsh reality of people’s selfish nature is simply too much for my good willed personality?  Sure I have a harsh side but I’ve never gone to great lengths to hurt someone.

Trust is such a precious gift so easily taken advantage of these days, as if its readily replaceable.  It takes but a moment to take and so much time to rekindle.  Or perhaps that’s why people break it to hurt others – they know how painful broken trust it, its gut wrenching.  It’s that sick feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when something goes seriously wrong.  In saying this its almost always done via text – its must be so easy not to say it to my face.

Indeed I have meet so many others from dating sites that are clearly so burnt and weathered from previous relationships that they are now made from porcelain.  So scared they are of shattering they develop massive offense and defense mechanisms that go of with the slightest breeze.  Have they ever wondered though that one person’s mistakes are not another’s?

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I don’t know if you know who you are until you lose who you are…

cow-girlYou know what I’m talking about, you date someone, you end up doing things they want to do and spending time at their place.  At first its awesome and exciting, new…whatever and then you realise that they are avoiding coming to your place because you don’t have cable.

I’ll admit the fact that I got to watch Tosh.O every tight was almost worth not being in my own bed.  On the other hand guys who live on their own don’t really have the same house hold ways as women.  I always herd the saying “it needs a woman’s touch” but I had not come across an example where this was hideously needed.

So when I broke up with crazy evil ex and started spending time at my own place, I realised I missed it.  Also try this – try not wanting to impress the opposite sex – it means you get to wear what you want!

I don’t even want your attention

I find it oddly liberating that I don’t even want a guy to look at me right now.  My ex has burned me with harassing phone texts because we broke up and the fact that I didn’t see it coming bothers me so much that I want nothing to do with men.

angry-womenI’m almost at the point of thinking that most people are nuts and it’s only a hand full of people I know that are normal-ish.  Perhaps I am lucky in my life in that this is the first time I’ve come across this in relationships.  Either lucky or naive I guess – maybe even “wrapped in cotton wool”, so to speak from people’s crazy side.

That’s the thing about being married young and for 10 years; I didn’t experience much of relationships, just a boyfriend here and there.

Should I be grateful for this new experience? I’ve learnt a lot of course but I’m already cynical, skeptical and not trusting to a point, will this push me to a new level of “you can’t touch this”?

I still maintain my humor at the moment so I’m going to take that as a good sign.  For example: “Ha my ex called me “Jubba” lol nice reference to Star Wars dip shit, you couldn’t think of anything better?”….(also just so you know I’m not fat – I am AUS size 12) Boooyah!

You don’t really know someone until you break up with them

I like to think I am a good judge of character, I’ll admit though when I like someone I do have my love goggles on and some things will slip through the cracks.  A complete flick to a different personality though is quite a shock in mid argument with a partner.

crazy-manFrom “I love you” to (and this is a true quote from my ex) “1 more thing b4 I go 4 good your a heartless bitch and I wish I had never met u I don’t love you at all I never did I hate u good riddance”.

So want to know what I did?  I said I wanted to think about things….4 hours later after no contact he dropped everything I ever gave him at my front door and sent me that text.

The day after text “I miss you”…oh ok so you’re crazy – how did I miss that?  How do people hide this so well in a relationship?  A little grey cloud comes along and BOOM crazy town!  So in light of this new experience I had recently, I do not want to date at all.  Which is a good thing I know since a break from it all is probably what I need right now – just a holiday from living in Crazy town.

You just did what in my mouth?

Upset girlWhen your beginning to know someone in the bedroom it can be hard to get a grasp of likes and dislikes, I get that.  I think this is where dirty talk before any action comes in handy for instance whispering in a guys ear “ I can’t wait for you to take control of me in the bedroom” denotes I like a man who will take the lead.

But not once have a said to a guy “Id like to taste your cum in my mouth unexpectedly please”.   Power to other women/guys who like this but I’m clearly not a fan.   I dated this guy for a while and things were getting a heated in the bedroom and me being the pleaser that I am I started to go down on him.

No more than 10 sec had passed and with no warning what so ever he came in my mouth.  I have never been so shocked by an act in the bedroom.  I could help my instant reaction of running to the sink and spitting out what was in my mouth and looking for some sort of hospital grade cleaner to deal with the taste.

What just happened? Had things changed in the bedroom edict department and I didn’t get the memo?  So I asked “why didn’t you warn me? “, the reply: “I didn’t think I had to”.   So this guy is 29 and he claims all of the girlfriends except one he had been with are happy to do this and one even got him to change his diet so she could taste it in his cum.

“So for the main meal I’ll have the Cum with a twist of lemon thanks.”  Look I’m not a prude ok but I don’t do everything in the bedroom either.

Being burnt by facebook

The first guy I ever dated after my separation I fell very much in love with.  We were together for about 4 months and although it wasn’t without its bad moments, I really enjoyed being with him.  But as they say “every rose has its thorn” and this one came in the form of an ex F@#K buddy who was in love with him still.

Guy using an iphoneHe denies knowing this and when she came back from being overseas, she made a very big impact on our relationship.  So I try and do the right thing and I try not to be bothered about him seeing her still as long as he is honest about it – right?

Now this is where facebook comes in – bring friends with your boyfriend on facebook is almost like having an online nanny following him during the day – if he uses it all the time.  Especially if your then friends with his friends – the trail of “when and where” he is, can be addictive and bitterly truthful.  The problem with this is – everyone can see this when it goes badly.

So he tells me he is out with his guy friend – ok.  Then his guy friend tags him and is ex F@#K buddy at lunch.  So???? Did you forget to mention her being there?   Of course an argument happens and amongst other reasons we part ways.

So I wasn’t all that upset with him going out with that girl – it was finding out on facebook that killed it for me – finding out your boyfriend is lying to you via a status update bites the big one.

I hate you, we break up, you call me, I love you

Yeah sounds familiar?  I mean more familiar than the Taylor Swift song?  I have to say lately Swift is hitting the nail on the head with her love songs and whats even better is that she is writing them from ex boyfriend experiences.

Which actually makes me feel a little more normal.  One of my ex’s whom I shall call “the bad boy” cause well he had a criminal record (I know – what was I thinking?) was a “On and off again guy”.

I must admit, I did break up with him most of the time but he always come back and say how he has changed and wants to try again.  I’ll admit the sex was really good and he was intelligent and cute so it was hard not to but…is it ever a good idea to go back?

If you break up once, is that it?